What "Assume" Spells

I got a telemarketing call the other day that was all my one-nerve-left mood needed. Normally I try to not be too hard on people doing a rotten job for peanuts, but this telemarketer committed the unforgivable sin that earned her my full wrath.

She addressed me as "Missus."

How dare you assume I'm married?

Fools make assumptions all the time. Their little minds are made up, and they assume everyone fits into their little boxes. Here's a wake-up call to all the fools out there, a significant number of whom occupy positions of public trust:

• How dare you assume I'm a christian because I belong to the NRA.
• How dare you assume I'm a redneck because I own guns.
• How dare you assume I worship some christian devil because I'm a Witch.
• How dare you assume I'm a liberal Demonrat Democrat because I'm a woman.
• How dare you assume I have chronic health problems and take multiple prescription drugs because I'm on the high side of forty.
• How dare you assume I'm looking for an assisted living center for the same reason.
• How dare you assume I'm incapable of safely operating a motor vehicle for the same reason again. Two years ago when my driver's license was up for renewal, the DMV sent me a pamphlet asking if it was time for me to hang up the car keys. Could I turn my head, read and understand road signs, sit for more than ten minutes, did I get lost in familiar places? Fercryinoutloud, people, I'm middle-aged, not enfeebled and afflicted with dementia.
• How dare you assume I'm mentally defective because I'm not just like you.

The only thing the telemarketer could have done to make it worse would have been to address me as "Missus" and then ask to speak to the head of the household. The ears of last telemarketer to do that are probably still ringing. Yes, I'm on the "do not call" list, but that doesn't save me from companies with which I already have a "business relationship." I'm already this close to terminating my business relationship with this company, and told their minion if they ever bothered me again I would do so immediately.

Junk mail and other mass-marketing vehicles can tell you a lot about what those who like to assume think about you. Their value to me is in validating just how wrong they are and making it easier to ensure I never, ever in any way contribute to their continued success.